From Spurs Media Day, 2009 at about 2:00.
2015
Richard Jefferson: I have called you all here for a press conference, to discuss my future in basketball.
Reporter 1: Are you retiring?
Reporter 2: Rumors are circling about your health, can you comment?
Reporter 3: Does this give you pause?
RJ: You know, they committed me to a psychiatric ward for five years after that momentous 2010 Finals - Game 9 against the Cavs, of course. But now, with the recent revelations of Stern and his basilisks, I am returning, vindicated, to the sport of basketball - indefintely.
R1: Aren't you getting too old?
RJ: Too old? I'm 35. What kind of game is it where 35, the middle of one's life, is to be the age of retirement? Besides, with the revelation that the snakes have been causing aging all along, age is not so much a concern. The wheels don't fall off anymore. We can play as long as we want, with only our wills and our existing bodies to slow us down. No more tendons or ligaments snapped, no more dislocations, no more minutes spared for the concerns of age. We are invincible now.
R2: But what if the "basilisks of Stern" that you are ranting about weren't real? You came from a psych ward, Richard. Maybe you should have stayed there.
RJ: You saw them with your own eyes! Snakes as big as planets. Snakes as small as atoms. That's why they had to let me free. When Duncan sacrificed himself to prevent the last adder from multiplying, that's when the wheels were supposed to stop falling off.
R1: Duncan who?
R2: Yeah, who are you talking about, Richard?
RJ: Duncan...Tim...played on the Spurs...You don't remember Tim Duncan? How long has it been?
The room, filled with the blue of a happy announcement, suddenly turns black and white, except for Richard Jefferson, the podium, and Reporter 3. RJ is drawn to Reporter 3, with his jaundice and spectacles. The room is silent but for the wheezing of Reporter 3. The other action of the room pauses.
R3 (in a Stern voice): You know, it's funny, Richard. You really thought that you and Duncan could destroy all of the basilisks. Your Coach Pop has a Zen koan he's fond of, Richard. "What's the opposite of a comet?" I am the commissioner of basketball. It has survived Russell, Chamberlain, Bird, Magic, Kareem, and Jordan before you, and it will survive you and the fallen Duncan and your pitiful attempt. Basketball has been around for over a century, and you and Duncan thought you had "seen beyond"! All the players I mentioned also saw beyond, Richard, and God forbid, I shut them down without incident. You have set me back at most - AT MOST - 10 or 15 years. The program will proceed as planned. I am the opposite of a comet, Richard. Static of motion, dynamic of form: constant presence, without a second wasted in absence. It has always been this way. Why do you think it's called Bas[ilis]ketball?
RJ (sad but resolute): We did see beyond, didn't we?
Stern: Of course you did, Richard, but this goes further than what a player by himself can see or destroy. The labyrinth of occlusion by which I have hidden the snakes to this realm...- I put new locks on all the doors, you could say. It would take an equal effort to break them again.
RJ: And the wheels?
Stern: They will continue to fall off.
RJ: So there's a snake right next to me?
Stern: Two or three for you, Richard. Let another player or two have a breakout season before I sic the snake on them. Let the wheels fall off a few years later for them. It doesn't matter to me. You will be out of the picture. Now, Richard. It's your move.
The sound comes back and then the color comes back.
RJ (hesitates for a few seconds): ...It is my firm conviction that older players should move out of the way for younger players, and I certainly look forward to growing old and watching the new generation. The generation past and the generation present - it is all one, overarching game throughout time. That is why I would like to announce my retirement from the game of basketball - forever. The wheels...have fallen off me. A championship in 2003 is something that I'm very proud of, and that will live throughout history, God willing. I thank you all.
Jefferson hurries off stage after a few more questions. Coach Pop is waiting outside the press room.
Coach: Richard, you are a coward.
RJ: Don't talk to me. You have no idea what I saw -
Coach: I know exactly what you saw. I remember Duncan, too. And I have seen beyond. I remember it all. I remember who *really* won in 2010, Richard. And in 1999, in 2003, 2005, and 2007. I know you're not insane, and I know that Stern controls the world through basketball.
RJ: Then WHY DIDN'T YOU HELP ME?
Coach Pop: Because I am a coward too. All of the coaches, short of Russell himself, are cowards. We are older than 50, Richard. We figured it out pretty quickly. Now...I'm getting pretty old, and I haven't won a championship...
RJ (shuddering): But I know you did -
Coach Pop: That doesn't matter, Richard. Who knows what players Stern has erased before? Players better than Wilt or Russell, Richard! Players better than Jordan! All our contingent championships disappear forever with Stern's changes, but that means there were others that have had their championships wiped out. Like in basketball itself, the only thing that is known to history, and the only thing that matters, is the final score, when Stern is finally wiped out.
RJ: I understand.
Coach Pop: Then, you'll understand, Richard, why I'm making you my successor, instead of Manu or Tony or David.
RJ: But...
Coach Pop (smiling sadly): I've known since the Olympics. Go back up to that press conference and announce it, Richard.
Interviewer: Does Tim talk about or give the impression to you that, he doesn't have a lot of years left - he now needs to make these seasons count?
Richard Jefferson: No, I've seen him, and you can tell. His game is pretty much trash right now and I've told him that multiple times, that that's why they brought us all in here. Because of his deteriorating body and so, uh, it's one of those things that, you know, I tell him he should be thanking me more than I should be thanking him being brought into this situation. No, all kidding aside, Tim is a person that's gonna - I asked him when we were in the Olympics five years ago and he said he was gonna play until the wheels fell off. So he's a guy that's very passionate about this game - loves to play and so he's gonna play pretty much until they make him stop. Who knows how long he has?
2015
Richard Jefferson: I have called you all here for a press conference, to discuss my future in basketball.
Reporter 1: Are you retiring?
Reporter 2: Rumors are circling about your health, can you comment?
Reporter 3: Does this give you pause?
RJ: You know, they committed me to a psychiatric ward for five years after that momentous 2010 Finals - Game 9 against the Cavs, of course. But now, with the recent revelations of Stern and his basilisks, I am returning, vindicated, to the sport of basketball - indefintely.
R1: Aren't you getting too old?
RJ: Too old? I'm 35. What kind of game is it where 35, the middle of one's life, is to be the age of retirement? Besides, with the revelation that the snakes have been causing aging all along, age is not so much a concern. The wheels don't fall off anymore. We can play as long as we want, with only our wills and our existing bodies to slow us down. No more tendons or ligaments snapped, no more dislocations, no more minutes spared for the concerns of age. We are invincible now.
R2: But what if the "basilisks of Stern" that you are ranting about weren't real? You came from a psych ward, Richard. Maybe you should have stayed there.
RJ: You saw them with your own eyes! Snakes as big as planets. Snakes as small as atoms. That's why they had to let me free. When Duncan sacrificed himself to prevent the last adder from multiplying, that's when the wheels were supposed to stop falling off.
R1: Duncan who?
R2: Yeah, who are you talking about, Richard?
RJ: Duncan...Tim...played on the Spurs...You don't remember Tim Duncan? How long has it been?
The room, filled with the blue of a happy announcement, suddenly turns black and white, except for Richard Jefferson, the podium, and Reporter 3. RJ is drawn to Reporter 3, with his jaundice and spectacles. The room is silent but for the wheezing of Reporter 3. The other action of the room pauses.
R3 (in a Stern voice): You know, it's funny, Richard. You really thought that you and Duncan could destroy all of the basilisks. Your Coach Pop has a Zen koan he's fond of, Richard. "What's the opposite of a comet?" I am the commissioner of basketball. It has survived Russell, Chamberlain, Bird, Magic, Kareem, and Jordan before you, and it will survive you and the fallen Duncan and your pitiful attempt. Basketball has been around for over a century, and you and Duncan thought you had "seen beyond"! All the players I mentioned also saw beyond, Richard, and God forbid, I shut them down without incident. You have set me back at most - AT MOST - 10 or 15 years. The program will proceed as planned. I am the opposite of a comet, Richard. Static of motion, dynamic of form: constant presence, without a second wasted in absence. It has always been this way. Why do you think it's called Bas[ilis]ketball?
RJ (sad but resolute): We did see beyond, didn't we?
Stern: Of course you did, Richard, but this goes further than what a player by himself can see or destroy. The labyrinth of occlusion by which I have hidden the snakes to this realm...- I put new locks on all the doors, you could say. It would take an equal effort to break them again.
RJ: And the wheels?
Stern: They will continue to fall off.
RJ: So there's a snake right next to me?
Stern: Two or three for you, Richard. Let another player or two have a breakout season before I sic the snake on them. Let the wheels fall off a few years later for them. It doesn't matter to me. You will be out of the picture. Now, Richard. It's your move.
The sound comes back and then the color comes back.
RJ (hesitates for a few seconds): ...It is my firm conviction that older players should move out of the way for younger players, and I certainly look forward to growing old and watching the new generation. The generation past and the generation present - it is all one, overarching game throughout time. That is why I would like to announce my retirement from the game of basketball - forever. The wheels...have fallen off me. A championship in 2003 is something that I'm very proud of, and that will live throughout history, God willing. I thank you all.
Jefferson hurries off stage after a few more questions. Coach Pop is waiting outside the press room.
Coach: Richard, you are a coward.
RJ: Don't talk to me. You have no idea what I saw -
Coach: I know exactly what you saw. I remember Duncan, too. And I have seen beyond. I remember it all. I remember who *really* won in 2010, Richard. And in 1999, in 2003, 2005, and 2007. I know you're not insane, and I know that Stern controls the world through basketball.
RJ: Then WHY DIDN'T YOU HELP ME?
Coach Pop: Because I am a coward too. All of the coaches, short of Russell himself, are cowards. We are older than 50, Richard. We figured it out pretty quickly. Now...I'm getting pretty old, and I haven't won a championship...
RJ (shuddering): But I know you did -
Coach Pop: That doesn't matter, Richard. Who knows what players Stern has erased before? Players better than Wilt or Russell, Richard! Players better than Jordan! All our contingent championships disappear forever with Stern's changes, but that means there were others that have had their championships wiped out. Like in basketball itself, the only thing that is known to history, and the only thing that matters, is the final score, when Stern is finally wiped out.
RJ: I understand.
Coach Pop: Then, you'll understand, Richard, why I'm making you my successor, instead of Manu or Tony or David.
RJ: But...
Coach Pop (smiling sadly): I've known since the Olympics. Go back up to that press conference and announce it, Richard.
This isn't well-written at all. What a weird, dark piece. But you know what they say about pounding the rock, right? There are about 100 bad pieces when you hit the rock and nothing happens, and then there are only good pieces.
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