In the wake of the sordid Ilgauskas-Mike Brown fiasco, in which Mike Brown somehow managed to be as evil as Big Z is mediocre, David Stern has passed a new law: Players are no longer allowed to speak to coaches, on or off the court.
"We just want to prevent, you know, that *element* from coming into our league," Stern moaned, through opaque membranes of apparently organic chambers, in between the sound of a woman babbling in French. "If Mike Brown had not had the chance to engage in malicious drama with Z, and probably with management as well, I am certain Brown wouldn't have benched Ilgauskas on the day he was expected to break a franchise record for games played with the only DNP-CD of Z's career."
The new rule forbids a coach from talking to his players, as well. It is this aspect that has unsettled many coaches.
"When they are playing bad, I want to tell them that," Lakers coach Phil Jackson said, "Or when they're good, or when they need to guard passing lanes better, or tighten up on offense. Or even just tell them that this hellish rule of silence will someday be lifted."
From the players' union, compromises have been quick in coming. The Celtics have proposed a new class of so-called "oracles", that are technically neither players nor coaches, such as Stephon Marbury and Allen Iverson. The Spurs have proposed that the other teams have access to their telepathy. The Lakers have proposed that the traditional 12-man roster be replaced by a 5-man roster of starters, for transparently self-serving reasons. They have also applauded the call for an oracle class, nominating Luke Walton for the position.
Cavaliers coach Mike Brown himself was nonplussed by the regulations. "This is a blatant overreaction to a personal feud internal to the Cavs organization. Instead of creating a conspiracy of silence and misunderstandings, [Stern] should have just addressed the players and coaches and told them there was a problem. Frankly, all his motivations, and therefore his credentials as an authority, are suspect now, and any success the NBA has in the future should be considered to be in spite of Stern, rather than because of his petty regulations."
Big Z could not be reached for comment, because he was still noticeably pissed and we decided just not to bother.
"We just want to prevent, you know, that *element* from coming into our league," Stern moaned, through opaque membranes of apparently organic chambers, in between the sound of a woman babbling in French. "If Mike Brown had not had the chance to engage in malicious drama with Z, and probably with management as well, I am certain Brown wouldn't have benched Ilgauskas on the day he was expected to break a franchise record for games played with the only DNP-CD of Z's career."
The new rule forbids a coach from talking to his players, as well. It is this aspect that has unsettled many coaches.
"When they are playing bad, I want to tell them that," Lakers coach Phil Jackson said, "Or when they're good, or when they need to guard passing lanes better, or tighten up on offense. Or even just tell them that this hellish rule of silence will someday be lifted."
From the players' union, compromises have been quick in coming. The Celtics have proposed a new class of so-called "oracles", that are technically neither players nor coaches, such as Stephon Marbury and Allen Iverson. The Spurs have proposed that the other teams have access to their telepathy. The Lakers have proposed that the traditional 12-man roster be replaced by a 5-man roster of starters, for transparently self-serving reasons. They have also applauded the call for an oracle class, nominating Luke Walton for the position.
Cavaliers coach Mike Brown himself was nonplussed by the regulations. "This is a blatant overreaction to a personal feud internal to the Cavs organization. Instead of creating a conspiracy of silence and misunderstandings, [Stern] should have just addressed the players and coaches and told them there was a problem. Frankly, all his motivations, and therefore his credentials as an authority, are suspect now, and any success the NBA has in the future should be considered to be in spite of Stern, rather than because of his petty regulations."
Big Z could not be reached for comment, because he was still noticeably pissed and we decided just not to bother.
Not very good or coherent humor. Too clever to be weird; too weird to be clever. "David Stern is smart and crazy LOL" is not easy humor to pull off. Sorry, Alex. Wait, that's me. I wrote this, and I am criticizing myself nearly two years in the future.
ReplyDelete