Counselor: Please be courteous and respectful. We have a new member today.
Everyone say hello to 'Kevin', our newest member.
Kevin Garnett: Hello, my name is Kevin, and I'm the best alcoholic.
All: ...Hi Kevin.
KG (pointing to chest): No, I'm not alcoholic really. I just like being around people that I'm better than, and telling them so to their face.
Counselor: Kevin, tell us about...
KG (thumping chest): About what? About basketball? I won the finals once, did you all know that?
All: ...
KG (thumping chest): Dave Berri says I'm the best player of the last 15 years.
KG (clutching chest): AAAHHHHH
Counselor: Please be courteous and respectful. We have a new member today.
Everyone say hello to 'Kevin', our newest member.
KG (clutching chest): AAAHHHH
Scene change: A hospital room, with a doctor, Shaq, and Kevin Garnett's limp body on a hospital bed. Garnett's vitals are displayed on various machines. He is twitching and cluctching his chest. Shaq is mirthful. The doctor is small and high-pitched. He is holding a metal pole of some sort.
Doctor (watching the vitals): Okay that was a little too high. The shock needs not to burn his flesh.
Shaq: I wish we were legally allowed to torture him.
Doctor: Nothing about this is legal, but if you're serious about reforming him...this is the only way. But you absolutely can't torture him. Virtual Reality technologies are outlawed, for just this sort of occurrence. If they catch us trying to manipulate behavior...
Shaq: I don't care. He blocked a hail mary shot with 3 seconds left and a 7 point lead. That's the tipping point. Nothing he could do would redeem that. He's the worst person in the world.
Doctor: Yes, but even Kevin Garnett should be immune to *torture*. It's unethical to torture anyone, Shaq. You know as well as I do that the power of torture is associated with gross abuses and no one should have that power.
Shaq (impatient): Spare me the Morgan Freeman crap and give me the cattle prod. Did you see the way he treated that virtual AA meeting? He was going to brag that he wasn't an alcoholic, to alcoholics.
Doctor: Yes, but no one should-
Shaq: He quoted Dave Berri's statistical finding to justify that he didn't do anything in the playoffs before the Celtics.
The sound of "Bare Necessities" being hummed begins to become audible. One can derive from the humming a sort of simple approach to life, and a satisfied mind. Shaq quickly panics. Tim DUncan's earnest, bass-heavy, conversational squeal is evident in the humming.
Shaq: Oh Christ it's Duncan. Everyone pretend like we're praising Kevin Garnett.
Tim Duncan: What's everyone doing?
Shaq: ...Nothing?
TD: Did you say you were praising Kevin Garnett?
Shaq: Absolutely. He's a better center than I am, and probably better than me or you personally, Tim.
TD: Yeah, Shaq, I agree. We have to respect him for making the most of his age, you know, shooting 3's, developing a sort of free post sensibility, and having at least a lot of effort and ability on defense...
Doctor: Mr. Duncan?
TD: ...you know, at least he sort of doesn't foul everyone he sees all the time...not corrupting other players morally...not...getting called for any flagrant fouls...uh......not killing anyone...
Doctor: Mr. Duncan.
TD: Yes, Doctor?
Doctor: My nurses on floor 3 need some help telling some people they have cancer. Could you help them out?
TD: I would...I would be honored.
*exit Duncan*
Shaq: I thought he'd never leave. Alright, does this cattle prod have a sustained torture setting?
THE END
Everyone say hello to 'Kevin', our newest member.
Kevin Garnett: Hello, my name is Kevin, and I'm the best alcoholic.
All: ...Hi Kevin.
KG (pointing to chest): No, I'm not alcoholic really. I just like being around people that I'm better than, and telling them so to their face.
Counselor: Kevin, tell us about...
KG (thumping chest): About what? About basketball? I won the finals once, did you all know that?
All: ...
KG (thumping chest): Dave Berri says I'm the best player of the last 15 years.
KG (clutching chest): AAAHHHHH
Counselor: Please be courteous and respectful. We have a new member today.
Everyone say hello to 'Kevin', our newest member.
KG (clutching chest): AAAHHHH
Scene change: A hospital room, with a doctor, Shaq, and Kevin Garnett's limp body on a hospital bed. Garnett's vitals are displayed on various machines. He is twitching and cluctching his chest. Shaq is mirthful. The doctor is small and high-pitched. He is holding a metal pole of some sort.
Doctor (watching the vitals): Okay that was a little too high. The shock needs not to burn his flesh.
Shaq: I wish we were legally allowed to torture him.
Doctor: Nothing about this is legal, but if you're serious about reforming him...this is the only way. But you absolutely can't torture him. Virtual Reality technologies are outlawed, for just this sort of occurrence. If they catch us trying to manipulate behavior...
Shaq: I don't care. He blocked a hail mary shot with 3 seconds left and a 7 point lead. That's the tipping point. Nothing he could do would redeem that. He's the worst person in the world.
Doctor: Yes, but even Kevin Garnett should be immune to *torture*. It's unethical to torture anyone, Shaq. You know as well as I do that the power of torture is associated with gross abuses and no one should have that power.
Shaq (impatient): Spare me the Morgan Freeman crap and give me the cattle prod. Did you see the way he treated that virtual AA meeting? He was going to brag that he wasn't an alcoholic, to alcoholics.
Doctor: Yes, but no one should-
Shaq: He quoted Dave Berri's statistical finding to justify that he didn't do anything in the playoffs before the Celtics.
The sound of "Bare Necessities" being hummed begins to become audible. One can derive from the humming a sort of simple approach to life, and a satisfied mind. Shaq quickly panics. Tim DUncan's earnest, bass-heavy, conversational squeal is evident in the humming.
Shaq: Oh Christ it's Duncan. Everyone pretend like we're praising Kevin Garnett.
Tim Duncan: What's everyone doing?
Shaq: ...Nothing?
TD: Did you say you were praising Kevin Garnett?
Shaq: Absolutely. He's a better center than I am, and probably better than me or you personally, Tim.
TD: Yeah, Shaq, I agree. We have to respect him for making the most of his age, you know, shooting 3's, developing a sort of free post sensibility, and having at least a lot of effort and ability on defense...
Doctor: Mr. Duncan?
TD: ...you know, at least he sort of doesn't foul everyone he sees all the time...not corrupting other players morally...not...getting called for any flagrant fouls...uh......not killing anyone...
Doctor: Mr. Duncan.
TD: Yes, Doctor?
Doctor: My nurses on floor 3 need some help telling some people they have cancer. Could you help them out?
TD: I would...I would be honored.
*exit Duncan*
Shaq: I thought he'd never leave. Alright, does this cattle prod have a sustained torture setting?
THE END
Whoa, some of this old stuff is pretty good. What was I thinking?
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