"My Eyes Bleed Just Thinking About it"

Dear LeBron,

I've been watching your post game and I think you could improve. Enclosed are a bunch of pictures of Kevin McHale to inspire you.

--Alex, age 20.

Dear Alex,

Thank you for the pictures of Kevin McHale. I was certainly inspired! But I am on a progress fast, because Mike Brown has benched Big Z indefinitely. He is a chipmunk, Alex. Anyway, because he is a chipmunk, he is jealous of Big Z's longevity. As you may know, the lifespan of chipmunks is typically less than 10 years, and Big Z has been a staple of the roster since 1997, over 10 years ago. It is physically offensive to Mike Brown, as a chipmunk, to allow Big Z to outlive him in the history books, so now Big Z won't break the Cavs record for most games played.

I know how you feel about Ilgauskas, because I read your blog. But he means a lot to me. You know how some people are lunks, but are dependable and do their jobs pretty decently every time? I know that Big Ilgauskas never made a lot of points. But attention could be paid. And so, I will turn in totally mediocre performances until Mike Brown apologizes or retires. I will be the worst best player in the world to honor the best best worst player in the world until the worst coach does the best thing.

My Eyes Bleed Just Thinking About It,
LeBron, Age 25.

Inspired by: LeBron’s Annual To-Do List, Part 1: The Post Game