Made it All Up

SPEC SCRIPT FOR MIKE 'N' ZANE: A TEEN SITUATION COMEDY


CAST
ZANE THE ZANY TEEN W/ QUESTIONABLE PARENT SITUATION
MIKE THE WELL-CENTERED TEEN
TIM DUNCAN

TIM (wearing Spurs jersey)
What do you mean, Zane? What are you trying to tell me?

ZANE
I made it all up, Tim.

TIM
Made it all up?

ZANE
I made it all up, Tim. I lied. There is no parade in your honor. The townspeople are not holding a Tim Duncan Day. I made it all up, Tim. I'm sorry. I just have, you know, a questionable parent situation, and I look up to you, and all that, Tim. And I lied. I was wrong, Tim. I was real stupid. I lied, Tim. And it was wrong. I made it all up, Tim. Made it all up. I'm... I'm so sorry, Tim.

studio audience feels sympathy

MIKE
You sure can tell a whopper, Zane!

ZANE
So how 'bout it, Tim? Can you forgive me? Can you even forgive me? I'm really sorry, Tim, I really am. You're my favorite player and I've always looked up to you.

TIM (suddenly wearing a robe and wizard cap atop Spurs jersey)
No, Zane. I can never forgive you. Leave my sight.

MIKE
This is my house, Tim. You'll have to leave. I'm sorry, too.

TIM
Oh. I'm disappointed, Mike.

TIM leaves


TWO DAYS LATER

MIKE
Tim, you're still in the suburban town!

TIM (still wearing robe and wizard cap atop Spurs jersey)
Well, since there isn't any parade, I decided I would at least enjoy your local eating establishments!

MIKE
You're so awkward, Tim!

TIM
No. Quesadillas without cheese are awkward! Heh.

MIKE
Gee, Tim. Zane is sure a wreck.

TIM (adjusting his cap and putting his hands on his hips)
Of course he is. Lying destroys a man's soul. Heh. You think I wanted to make him feel bad?

MIKE
Well, I think it's mostly because you rejected him.

TIM
Look, Mike, Zane is a good kid. We both know that. I'm glad I met you both. But he lied. What happens if he tells a "good kid" lie that destroys his family or really hurts someone that is depending on him? "Good kid" lies are really just as evil as "bad kid" lies. He has to understand that, like, really grasp it.

MIKE
But it's killing him, Tim! How can you be so heartless? Gee, Tim!

TIM
I know I'm a harsh master... (he adjusts his cap)... but the world is a harsh dungeon. You can't always roll 20, Mike. Sometimes you roll 1. And when you lie, you don't just roll a 1. You throw away the die in the first place. Tell the truth and you gain an extra roll. Critical hit. You'll always be there but when he lies one of these times his crazy schemes are going to do you in one day, and you're never going to trust him, no matter how much you like him, Mike. That's why I said that.

MIKE
Tim, you have to know something.

TIM
What is it, Mike?

MIKE
Zane... made it all up about making it all up.

TIM
You... you mean there's going to be a parade?

MIKE
No, Tim. It's... Zane made it all up about making it all up, but I made it all up about the parade. He was making it all up because he didn't want you to think I made it all up. See, Tim. You're my hero, not Zane's. Zane can't tell a back-cut from a basketball. I just wanted you to like me. I came up with all these lies and by the time Zane caught wind of my lies, it was all too late. We figured if we said that he made it all up, we could still meet you and it wouldn't be my fault.

TIM (aside to audience)
The deception is illimitable. Heh. How do these kids come up with these lies?

MIKE
So I made it all up, Tim. Not Zane, me. And I'm sorry.

TIM
I'm sorry too, Mike. I'm sorry too.

TIM leaves MIKE standing there, with a sad expression. Crowd awww's


2 DAYS LATER AIRPORT

TIM (in a Spurs jersey atop a robe and wizard hat)
I guess this is good-bye, Bridgeport.

AIRPORT WORKER
Airplane for San Antonio leaving in 5 minutes.

TIM
That's mine! I'm on the Spurs! Better board.

ZANE
Wait, Tim! Don't get on!

TIM
Zane! Glad to meet you here again!

ZANE
There's something I need to tell you.

TIM
Yeah, Mike told me. You made it all up about making it all up. I appreciate your sacrifice, and I totally get it. I'm sorry for being so harsh on you. And I'm sorry you had to embarrass yourself on Mike's behalf. Really, you're both good kids. It's just... I have to go back to San Antonio. I can't handle all the damn LIES you guys peddle. You need to learn to tell the truth.

ZANE
Well, yeah, but Tim, that was all a lie. We made it all up!

TIM
No, Zane, I'm done with the lies. I'm sorry.

AIRPORT WORKER
Tim Duncan, is it?

TIM
Yes.

ZANE
NOOOOOO, Tim. You don't understand. COME BACK.

TIM
Nice meeting you both! Heh.


CUT to TIM in the airplane

TIM
What an adventure.It's a good thing they had an international airport right there in Bridgeport at least.

PILOT (over PA)
We're at 5,000 feet now. If you'll look to your left you'll see a giant parade. It's Tim Duncan Day in Bridgeport, and they even have a corn maze in the shape of Tim Duncan's face! What a resourceful community.

TIM
They made it all up! Damn it! It was all a ruse! The parade was real! Tim Duncan Day was real!


ON THE GROUND

MIKE'S DAD
Where's Tim, Mike and Zane? You said you could get him! You said you'd have him!

ZANE
I tried to get him, but he didn't believe me!

MIKE
When the mayor told us it wasn't going to happen, we believed him! We lied to our hero to save face, dad! Why didn't you tell us it was back on?

MAYOR
What seems to be the trouble, Mike and Zane?

MIKE
You told us Tim Duncan Day was cancelled!

ZANE
Yeah, we lied to his face and told him we'd made it all up! Just because we wanted to save the community from disrepute!

MAYOR
Oh, kids. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha. Heh. Heh heh heh heh. Heh. You poor, pathetic fools.

MIKE & ZANE
What?

MAYOR
I MADE IT ALL UP! Don't you see, Mike and Zane? This place wouldn't even exist if I hadn't made it all up! THINK ABOUT IT!


ELABORATE MONTAGE ENSUES, showing the founding of the town in 1992 as a rounding error in a charter, the fraudulent mailers sent to convince gullible people to move their families (including MIKE'S DAD) to "Bridgeport", the maps showing "Bridgeport" only through elaborate hacks into databases and break-ins into libraries. The whole town is a fiction. And the MAYOR is always wearing that same vest/tuxedo-t-shirt/sunglasses combo that he wears today.

MAYOR takes off his tuxedo-t-shirt, then his vest, then his sunglasses. He is TIM DUNCAN

TIM (wearing robe atop Spurs jersey)
Yes, it was me all along, Mike and Zane. You never suspected that, did you?

MIKE
I sure didn't!

ZANE
Caught me way off guard.

TIM (smirking evilly)
Then I win. (TIM regains composure at this point) Let's cut to the chase. There's a parade in my honor, and we're going to celebrate like we've never celebrated before. All of you are people that I've brought into the fold of one of my more elaborate ruses, and yet, you're good kids, Mike and Zane, and you dealt with my treachery the best you could: with more treachery. Have some cake and champagne and honor your so-called "hero", kids. You're worse than idiots, and your only purpose to me is to further deceive you! And just remember - as you eat every bite - how it kills a man's soul to lie! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

MIKE and ZANE throw up in some nearby bushes. The studio audience is shocked

TIM
It's killing me, really. I wish I could stop the lies.

MIKE'S DAD
Then why don't you, Tim? Why don't you?

TIM
It's who I am, Dave. It's who I am, and it's how I've gotten this far.

DAVE
Maybe it's time to change.

TIM
You know? You're right. (calls town to attention again) Alright. Mike, Zane. I'm sorry. I made it all up. I don't know if you can forgive me, but lying does destroy a man's soul and it's time for me to stop lying. I'm disbanding the town. I'm ending the show, I'm giving you all places to live. it's over for Bridgeport, the town built on a lie. I made it all up, but I'm coming clean now, and that's what matters.

TOWN
(stunned silence)

TIM
Also, obviously, when the town is disbanded... I will NOT be stepping down as mayor. I feel this goes without saying.

TOWN
(stunned silence)

TIM (his robe and Spurs jersey have switched places during a cut-away)
(stunned silence)


NEARBY A PLANE LANDS IN THE CONVENIENT INTERNAT'L AIRPORT. EVERYONE IN TOWN WAITS FOR FIVE MINUTES AS THE PERFECT STORM OF DECEPTION WASHES OVER THEM

A LIMO COMES BY.

TIM DUNCAN STEPS OUT


TIM (hurriedly)
Hey, I'm sorry I didn't believe you, Zane! I saw the parade on my way out of town! I immediately got a flight back to- Wait, Mayor? Why are you wearing my jersey and the robe and wizard hat?

MAYOR (now clearly only 6'5'' with only passing resemblances to the greatest power forward of all time)
Tim, I have something to tell you.

TIM
What?

MAYOR
I hope you can forgive me, Tim, for this.

TIM
Yeah, what about, Mayor?

MAYOR
I made it all up, Tim. I made up an elaborate story about your seemingly magical, Moriarty-esque qualities. I said I was you and that I'd founded the whole town on an elaborate lie. They believed every word of it, until you came back.

TIM
What is UP with this town?

MAYOR
The truth is, you're my hero, Tim. And so I made it all up. Because I didn't want them to think I'd let you leave for your own parade because of bad planning and delegation. See, the truth is, I made it all up about being mayor. The town is a fiction I constructed from a mail-order scam. But I'm not the mayor. The truth is, there is no mayor. I made it all up, Tim. I hope you can forgive me. Now, without further ado, let's hold a parade!

TIM
I can buy it. Let's have ourselves a parade then, because I'm not really sure what to believe.


TWO HOURS INTO THE PARADE

The walls collapse and the sky falls. TIM is the only human left standing. The others fall over like playing cards.


TIM
Mike, Zane, Mayor! Where did you go?

What is left is an elaborate simulation chamber.

TIM
Damn it.

FUTURE CITIZENS OF EARTH FIVE, 2800 CE, IN A PERFECTLY BALANCED, TELEPATHIC MESSAGE CONTAINING THIS METADATA AND CONVEYING IT TO TIM AS WELL AS THE FOLLOWING WORDS
I am Mike and I am Zane. I am all that ever were. Tim. I am you and I am me. I am everything that was.

TIM
Okay.

FUTURE CITIZENS OF EARTH FIVE, 2800 CE, IN A PERFECTLY BALANCED, TELEPATHIC MESSAGE CONTAINING THIS METADATA AND CONVEYING IT TO TIM AS WELL AS THE FOLLOWING WORDS
Which is why it pains us to admit something to you, Tim. And we hope you'll forgive us.

TIM
Shoot.

FUTURE CITIZENS OF EARTH FIVE, 2800 CE, IN A PERFECTLY BALANCED, TELEPATHIC MESSAGE CONTAINING THIS METADATA AND CONVEYING IT TO TIM AS WELL AS THE FOLLOWING WORDS
We made it all up, Tim. Everything. We just wanted you to like us, and we made it all up.

TIM
Alright, that's enough. We're done.


THE SIMULATION DISAPPEARS. TIM DUNCAN and KAWHI LEONARD are sitting around a table strewn with papers and booklets.

TIM
Kawhi, now that you've been playing for a few hours. I have to admit something to you.

KAWHI
...

TIM
I made it all up, Kawhi. This entire exercise wasn't any sort of rookie initiation. I just wanted to play D&D with someone. Sorry, most of the Spurs find it pretty weird.

KAWHI
... So wait, you were the Mayor?

TIM
Yes, and Mike, and Zane, and the aliens, and the citizens of Earth Five. You were Tim Duncan.

KAWHI
...

TIM
But just in the game. You cannot be Tim Duncan in real life.

KAWHI
You're one weird motherf-, Tim.

TIM
Only I can be he. He is I. I am Tim. Also sometimes I was the one doing Tim Duncan's part. That was my favorite part of all.

KAWHI
Can I go now? Can I take off your jersey and these wizard accoutrements now?

TIM
If you wish, Kawhi.

KAWHI
I think I will, Tim. Great... great time as always. I'll see you at practice.

TIM
do you want to learn how to bank shot now