Funniest Teams Richard Jefferson Could Go To After This Season

30. Portland.
This would just be sweet.

5. Milwaukee
No one has any earthly idea why this signing happens from either side. But it does. The press conference is held in the back of, like, a cabbie's gigantic van, as the van takes Jefferson to the Bradley Center.

"The plan long-term for me is to leave or get traded or something, I think. I think that's the long-term plan in my signing. That would be my, you know, educated guess. I'm on, you know, the wrong side of whatever age they still let you sign contracts. But, hey, learning experience, I think I can contribute to the Bucks, love this city, and all that other jazz. The organization has been very generous and I hope to be a part of a, you know, solid playoff run."

4. Memphis
Richard Jefferson on the grit-and-grind Grizzlies. Friggin' yes! RJ certainly has defensive chops, though John Hollinger would never do this.

"You know, we really try to, you know, grit and grind in Memphis. Of course Zach and Marc and, you know, Tony, they have that culture here, and I'm pleased and, you know, totally honored to be a part of it. There aren't many young players here, so, you know, I can't really apply any of the lessons I've learned the last few years, but, you know, it still seems like a great opportunity and I think I can still contribute."

3. Brooklyn
Prokhorov signs Jefferson immediately, in the dead of night, and holds a press conference on an airship with an eerily noise-canceled silence. Jefferson stands at a podium and answers questions from a disembodied, you know, woman's voice over the PA system.

"I'm not part of anyone's long-term plan at this point, heh. I'm here to sop up minutes and help the young guys develop, maybe contend for a championship. These guys all have long enough arms and big enough hands that, you know, why bother trying to get their jobs? Really, let's be perfectly frank here: I'm not the best small forward on this roster by a country mile. Maybe five years ago. But I still think I can contribute.

"Yes, I am one of the five or six NBA players fluent in Russian and the second most productive of these players. Weird skill, I suppose, but Pop got me into Soviet and pre-Soviet literature. Why do you ask?"

2. Golden State
Coach Mark Jackson respects Jefferson's character immensely and takes a flyer on him. RJ passes training camp. Rumors fly that he refused to go to the D-League as part of his vet-min contract. Jefferson sits at a table, bathed in yellow light. Behind him is a mural with the Warriors logo, tech start-ups, kids, and the word "Youth" projected several hundred times. Jefferson coughs and sounds like he's 50.

"Back in the saddle, you know, again. One last ride, heh, and, you know, lots of young players to help out, again. I'm actually not precisely sure why they brought me back, you know, but I guess they probably just want me to be an assistant coach, honestly, you know, I mean, that's where I'm at. I am pretty much done with the productive side of basketball, though if they need me, obviously, when called upon, I'd, you know, enter the game without question. Coach Jackson has a great system here and I want to help some of the younger guys reach their full potential. Show them, you know, the best places to buy protein shakes and help on the pick and roll. Get their defensive chops in order, show them, like, communication. It's a game of, you know, communication and trust, and I'm here to show them that.

"I'm here to show that if I can't be the best player on the team, I can at least be the best small forward from Arizona on the team... uh... you know, that played in the NBA before 2004."

1. San Antonio
This would never happen. This would be wonderful.

"Yeah, I'm back. Yeah, it's on a vet-min contract, and I'm obviously not hoping for big minutes with, you know, Kawhi, the, you know, heh, the beast. But I guess I'd call it insurance. Me, that is. I'm basically insurance to make sure the Spurs aren't, you know, abject, if Kawhi is day-to-day. He's the only really good player left with Tim's body breaking down. You know, I'm just kidding. Tim is just fine, and Tony's still good, but, you know, Tim's older than dirt. I just carbon-dated dirt and it's younger than 39, heh."