John: So, I can write whatever I want about basketball, sir?
Interviewer: Yes, John. We think this is going to be a great collaboration, and we’re pretty sure we want you. I just have a few more questions for you, before we hand this job offer to you.
J: Okay. Can we go over the salary terms again, sir?
I: Of course. With a broad brush, we will be paying you one hundred thousand dollars per year to write whatever you want about basketball, in any quantity, for the next five years. It’s a guaranteed contract with options to leave after every six months without any penalty, and with marginal penalty otherwise. You have to write for our company, but you can write for other companies while you are writing for us, so long as you aren’t reproducing material between publications. You can work from home, and have any hours. All we ask is that when we are promoting your work, you attend promotional events specifically for your work. We’ll handle food, transportation, and so on to get you there, and we’ll give you at least two weeks' notice before any such event. There is a monthly video-conference that of course can be attended from home. You will also receive a 20 percent royalty on ad revenue to your blog and published works that are sold under your name.
J: I know this is a bad negotiating move, but I am extremely satisfied with all of that, sir. This is a dream job.
I: Call me Dave, John. Yes, it is very generous, which is why we’re confident you’ll accept. I would just like to ask you a few questions before we offer this.
J: By all means, Dave. What would you like to know?
Dave: Do you have adequate health insurance?
J: No.
D: Well, we can certainly put that into this job offer. It costs us a relative pittance, compared to how much we value you, John.
J: That’s incredibly nice, Dave!
D: We thought you’d like that. Anyway, one or two more questions, here...
J: Okay, go ahead, Dave.
D: John, do you have any problems with Isiah Thomas?
J (thinking): Damn. There had to be a catch. No one just offers a job like that (to someone so obviously unemployable as me) unless there is something seriously wrong with the person making the offer or the offer itself.
J: No, I don’t think so. I don't have any problems with Isiah Thomas.
D: Do you mind explaining that?
J: Not at all, Dave. You see, the terrors Isiah has unleashed upon basketball and the basic concepts of organization offend me, Dave, but they offend me on a moral or a spiritual level. I think it’s much easier to rationalize away moral or spiritual injustices when they are not harming people and teams I personally value.
D: Can you give me an example?
J: Yeah. Like, I think it’s quite a shame that the CBA failed thanks to Isiah, but I also think that it doesn’t have all that much bearing on the quality of professional basketball, or at least not enough to cause me to resent Isiah. The same is true of my Spurs. Horrible general managers on teams not my own are probably a net gain for teams that I root for. I’m guessing the Spurs probably ended up benefiting from having troubling GMs in at least four potential rivals and trade partners. Even if the Spurs didn’t benefit, his Knicks at least didn’t trouble the Spurs enough to cause me to resent him. The list goes on and on of people and teams that Isiah has damaged that ultimately had no bearing on me personally or, if they do, have such a small impact that I can't hold it against him.
D: But if you, say, worked with him, that would be a problem, then, right?
J: Maybe, but it’s more likely he would damage the organization around me and make my own mistakes look small in comparison. The risk is especially low with a guaranteed contract for a non-administrative job. Overall, I still have no problems with Isiah Thomas.
D: What if Isiah Thomas challenged you to a fight for your insulting comments? Would you have a problem with him then?
J: Then I would probably sign that job offer as quickly as it was feasible to do so, call 9-1-1 on my phone, like, light a brush fire between myself and Isiah, and board the bus on back to my apartment, in all likelihood. I think the amount he could harm me is far less than the amount that job offer could help me, so I still would not have any real problem with him.
D: I appreciate your honesty, John. I just have one more question.
J: Okay, Dave.
D: What if Isiah Thomas were in this room?
J: What d-
Dave removed his mask. He was Isiah Thomas.
Dave/Isiah Thomas: What if Isiah Thomas were…Dave, John? Would you have a problem with Dave, John?
J (stammering): I guess- I mean- Not with Dave, technically speaking. I don't even-
I: What if I were just petty and bitter enough to offer you the precipice of the comforts of life just because you insulted me in that “Ideal Job Offer” piece on Pearls of Mystery, John? What then? What would you do?
J: Anything and everything in my power so that the world understands what kind of person you are.
I: Like what, kid? Like what?
J: Like…blog about it, I don’t know…..
It was at this point that I trailed off in a deep reverie, certain that my anecdote would net me 100 hits, at least. I had blog-dollar signs in my eyes, and Isiah Thomas could not match that with any job offer in the world.
Interviewer: Yes, John. We think this is going to be a great collaboration, and we’re pretty sure we want you. I just have a few more questions for you, before we hand this job offer to you.
J: Okay. Can we go over the salary terms again, sir?
I: Of course. With a broad brush, we will be paying you one hundred thousand dollars per year to write whatever you want about basketball, in any quantity, for the next five years. It’s a guaranteed contract with options to leave after every six months without any penalty, and with marginal penalty otherwise. You have to write for our company, but you can write for other companies while you are writing for us, so long as you aren’t reproducing material between publications. You can work from home, and have any hours. All we ask is that when we are promoting your work, you attend promotional events specifically for your work. We’ll handle food, transportation, and so on to get you there, and we’ll give you at least two weeks' notice before any such event. There is a monthly video-conference that of course can be attended from home. You will also receive a 20 percent royalty on ad revenue to your blog and published works that are sold under your name.
J: I know this is a bad negotiating move, but I am extremely satisfied with all of that, sir. This is a dream job.
I: Call me Dave, John. Yes, it is very generous, which is why we’re confident you’ll accept. I would just like to ask you a few questions before we offer this.
J: By all means, Dave. What would you like to know?
Dave: Do you have adequate health insurance?
J: No.
D: Well, we can certainly put that into this job offer. It costs us a relative pittance, compared to how much we value you, John.
J: That’s incredibly nice, Dave!
D: We thought you’d like that. Anyway, one or two more questions, here...
J: Okay, go ahead, Dave.
D: John, do you have any problems with Isiah Thomas?
J (thinking): Damn. There had to be a catch. No one just offers a job like that (to someone so obviously unemployable as me) unless there is something seriously wrong with the person making the offer or the offer itself.
J: No, I don’t think so. I don't have any problems with Isiah Thomas.
D: Do you mind explaining that?
J: Not at all, Dave. You see, the terrors Isiah has unleashed upon basketball and the basic concepts of organization offend me, Dave, but they offend me on a moral or a spiritual level. I think it’s much easier to rationalize away moral or spiritual injustices when they are not harming people and teams I personally value.
D: Can you give me an example?
J: Yeah. Like, I think it’s quite a shame that the CBA failed thanks to Isiah, but I also think that it doesn’t have all that much bearing on the quality of professional basketball, or at least not enough to cause me to resent Isiah. The same is true of my Spurs. Horrible general managers on teams not my own are probably a net gain for teams that I root for. I’m guessing the Spurs probably ended up benefiting from having troubling GMs in at least four potential rivals and trade partners. Even if the Spurs didn’t benefit, his Knicks at least didn’t trouble the Spurs enough to cause me to resent him. The list goes on and on of people and teams that Isiah has damaged that ultimately had no bearing on me personally or, if they do, have such a small impact that I can't hold it against him.
D: But if you, say, worked with him, that would be a problem, then, right?
J: Maybe, but it’s more likely he would damage the organization around me and make my own mistakes look small in comparison. The risk is especially low with a guaranteed contract for a non-administrative job. Overall, I still have no problems with Isiah Thomas.
D: What if Isiah Thomas challenged you to a fight for your insulting comments? Would you have a problem with him then?
J: Then I would probably sign that job offer as quickly as it was feasible to do so, call 9-1-1 on my phone, like, light a brush fire between myself and Isiah, and board the bus on back to my apartment, in all likelihood. I think the amount he could harm me is far less than the amount that job offer could help me, so I still would not have any real problem with him.
D: I appreciate your honesty, John. I just have one more question.
J: Okay, Dave.
D: What if Isiah Thomas were in this room?
J: What d-
Dave removed his mask. He was Isiah Thomas.
Dave/Isiah Thomas: What if Isiah Thomas were…Dave, John? Would you have a problem with Dave, John?
J (stammering): I guess- I mean- Not with Dave, technically speaking. I don't even-
I: What if I were just petty and bitter enough to offer you the precipice of the comforts of life just because you insulted me in that “Ideal Job Offer” piece on Pearls of Mystery, John? What then? What would you do?
J: Anything and everything in my power so that the world understands what kind of person you are.
I: Like what, kid? Like what?
J: Like…blog about it, I don’t know…..
It was at this point that I trailed off in a deep reverie, certain that my anecdote would net me 100 hits, at least. I had blog-dollar signs in my eyes, and Isiah Thomas could not match that with any job offer in the world.
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