Viral Content

I'm going to teach you how to write, and everyone in the world is going to be hit by a plague in 72 hours. The lede* is my favorite 'graf*. This is my favorite lede* of all time.

When writing blogs, the second 'graf* is just as important as the lede*, which actually means "first paragraph" in Greek. This second 'graf* is especially important to fleshing out your outline: The second 'graf* is where you really begin to elaborate on the points you made in the lede*. The plague, thought by virologists to be the "end of days," is spreading as we speak, and there's little any of us can do to stop it. More after the jump*.


Okay, not so fast. The third 'graf* is where you give the necessary background and context that the lede* omits (for clickability*) and that the second 'graf* omits (for brevity, and because we're still in attention-grabbing mode). Now that you have them, it's time to give your readers what they're looking for. For example, for most people, the virus will present mostly as a harmless cold, with only a small percentage of immune-compromised individuals at serious risk of a medical emergency. So I guess those first 'grafs* were a little bit overzealous, haha!

Now that you've erased the original sin of a click-bait* and hook* with the basic amount of context necessary to technically make your blog "entertaining and informative", it's time to hit 'em with the real domain expertise. Thus proceeds the fourth 'graf*. The virus, which is known as Alidopterus Rex, is Latin for "King of Adoptions" because it adopts the DNA of anyone it infects, in a complex process known as "reverse splicing" (think Jurassic Park!). Scientists first noticed the virus in Sri Lanka, and it has spread as far west as Romania! It's expected that by Tuesday morning (US), it will have spread throughout the major urban centers of the United States, Just in time for the end of Group G play! It's recommended that you bring some masks to your World Cup party (try putting them next to the queso), and have some treatment for anaphylaxis ready. There. That was really useful.

Whoops! I buried* the* lede*. You see, sometimes writers* get careless or arrogant and bury* their most interesting, important, or relevant factoid somewhere far below the 1st or 2nd 'graf*. And, unfortunately, that's what happened here. Unlike most viruses, which come from mysterious evolutionary processes that raise the question of whether they are even alive, these viruses are manufactured by the aliens that seek to conquer humans. This is their genetic-information-gathering "flyover"; the viruses will soon report back to those aliens, and then the aliens will likely enslave us. It's known that the aliens do not want to destroy humans so much as enslave us and do some sick shit to us just for the sake of it, like, just because they can. This is probably more important as news than the virus itself (so it should be the lede*), but I don't do much copy-editing. And I'm not going to start now.

Anyway, so this brings us to the conclusion - in this case, the 6th-9th 'grafs*. A lede* means the first paragraph, and 'graf* means "paragraph". You have to select and organize your content* by 'graf* if you're ever to succeed in volume blogging about a technical subject. And your conclusion is just as important. This is where you reflect on where you've gone, and try to be a bit more reflective. If it's good, your conclusion will be picked up by writers eager to show off their taste in good-quality writing, almost irrespective of what has come before the conclusion. It's your chance to show off your full capacity as an individual writing about the subject, to prove that you're able to be taken places and take your reader places. So sum it up, and reflect with all your yearning and vision. You're an artist; here's your opportunity to earn credibility as such.

You can probably go home tonight, and the aliens won't be here for a few hundred years (lucky for us!). If you have HIV or any number of other immune-compromising illnesses, you may want to see a doctor about the Alidopterus virus. But, for everyone else, just tough it out, keep the tissues handy. And try not to think too much about when those aliens are coming back. Because nothing is going to stop them.

But maybe next time we'll be a little bit wiser as a species. I hope you're a little wiser for having read this.

Thanks for reading.

*Highly technical writerly terms. Consult an expert from your local journalism school.