For months President Obama had been convincing Americans of all walks of life to register and enroll in a health-care plan by March 31. For months he stumped for enrollments and advertised the website where registration was to take place. Despite some well-publicized and politically disastrous hiccups with the website's design and reliability, everything had gone more or less to plan. The enrollment numbers were more or less in line with optimistic projections.
Then, the day after the deadline, following this massive campaign, President Obama naturally sought to address the nation about his plan. This would serve both as a gentle reminder to some of the stragglers as well as a more serious marking of a political milestone by which the president marked his days - and by which smart observers marked the soon-retiring president's remaining power.
Clearing his throat audibly and addressing the nation from the U.S. Capitol, President Obama closed his eyes, put his head down, and waited for the rapt attention of the American People to descend upon his eyes and the mysteries their opening would produce.
Opening his eyes slowly to reveal a fierce, unblinking stare, the president stared at the cameras.
"Poof," said President Obama with perfect clarity, gesturing with his hands that something had either expanded rapidly or disappeared.
"Poof," said President Obama again, even more clearly, repeating the hand gesture, without breaking eye contact with the camera. The object of his repetition was patently to ensure his first syllable was no accident.
"No one in the United States has health insurance," President Obama said, repeating the hand gesture yet again. "Poof. Waved away. Not to be. Disbanded. No one in the United States," and he put his hands together, as if showing the pre-gestural constitution of established things, "has health insurance, anymore," and he repeated the gesture.
President Obama smiled evilly, "No one. In the United States of America. Has health insurance. No one. In the United States. Has health insurance. No one..." and he stopped short while staring at the camera.
The camera did a slow, clockwise 360-degree pan from the front of the Congressional chamber and back again, revealing that the entire chamber (which could seat 1000 comfortably) was totally empty, save for him and a few guards (to be expected, naturally).
As the camera finally came back around and the president returned to center stage. "...in the United States of America."
One of his handling guards suddenly acted shocked and asked (and it now became apparent that the guards were mic'd up), "But, Mr. President, where will I go if I need health care?" with the timing of a comic straight man.
President Obama answered calmly. "Oh, you'll pay for it. Or the government will. We're cutting out the middle-man. I'm basically one foot out the door, and so I'm going to swing for the fences on this one. I mean, really, why not? It's a stupid - or, at least, not overtly smart - idea but the alternative is stupid too. And we all know it. So screw the political system, screw the doctors and insurers and pharmaceutical companies propping up our administrations - I just want it all gone. They're all real people, but they'll have jobs after we reorganize. No more compromises, no more complexity, no more machinations. This is a good thing that everyone will enjoy, or it will be just as bad as what we have now. You'll learn to like it, just like Europe, which, by the way, I am a socialist, and have been all along. Suck on that, Rethugs. Haha, just kidding. You're part of the country too. This is just a thing I'm doing on the side."
"But you're going back on everything you-"
"What? The political positions I clearly took to try to solidify my power, with mixed results?"
"No, I mean, you NEVER advoc-"
"But why not? Who honestly is gonna stop me. I'm throwing my whole wad of political capital at this one single piece of shit problem, and giving up on everything else. Enjoy the election, Jon Huntsman? Yeah, I'm not endorsing him, it's just that I can see into the future, just like all presidents, including future-President-elect Huntsman. I was surprised too."
"So do you know this will pass?"
"Actually, that crystal ball only tells you who's gonna be the next 5 presidents. It's kind of useless, honestly. Like, otherwise it would be really easy to govern, you know? Or at least it would be easy to relax, haha!"
"But, Mr. President, what about the website and the enrollments? You spent months, years-"
"April Fool's. Come on, that website was fucking hilarious. Give me a little credit, Tom."
"Well, who's gonna be the president 20 years down the line, then?"
"Ooh, that's classified. Sorry, America. You'll have to actually vote, because no one's gonna tell you. Huntsman's sure as shit not gonna risk a second term telling you, and the guy after that isn't, either. So it won't seem predetermined, even though, if you really think about what I've said, it must be, you know? One of them paradoxes for you. Don't think too hard about it, America!"
"Alright. Look, one more question."
"Go for it, Tom! You know I'm the president that listens to your problems, America."
"Mr. President, I just have to know: What kind of political capital could you possibly have left that would allow you to pass massive reform of this type and scope?"
"Uh... you ever been naked near any phone, ever, Tom? You ever tell someone a secret you wouldn't want to be public? You ever eat food like a pig while your phone was right there? You ever make a Google search you wouldn't want the entire world to know about?"
"I mean, yeah, Mr.-."
President Obama stopped Tom with a wave and pointed to himself. "Yo."
"What does that mea-"
"That, but everyone in the country. Check and mate. I don't want to but I will if I have to. Look at me. I'm crazy. You know I will."
"Fuck."
President Obama smirked once more and said, "Don't use profanity. You're on national TV."
Addressing the camera, with a suddenly standard gravitas, President Obama said, "Please, for those of you that haven't signed up, it's very important that you go to healthcare dot gov and choose a plan. We've been retooling the site, and I'm sure you'll find it much more usable than ever before. Thank you, and God bless America." He appeared to lose all control of his laughter at the podium, smacking it a few times and wiping a few tears away, before regaining his composure and returning to his established pose of gravitas.
The camera zoomed slowly out from him. President Obama winked and shook his head and made the disappearing motion with his hands as he mouthed the word, "Poof." as he and Tom instantaneously disappeared from the now-empty Chamber of Commerce for the feed's final frame of footage.
No comments:
Post a Comment