Space Jam 2: The Rejazzebration (Act III, Scene 5)

Introduction

There was a rumor of Space Jam 2, starring LeBron, being in some nebulous stage of Hollywood planning. The truth is that the project had already recruited Pau Gasol, LeBron James, Kevin Hart, and Anthony Davis, as well as your favorite Looney Tunes, and... uh, Krell, a real-life Monstar.

The actors all got together last October -except Bugs and Lola Bunny, whose contract negotiations were stalling for separate reasons- and filmed a screen test of the final scene to convince the studios to fund the project. Through one of my Holmes-slash-Moriarty-esque network of hundreds of NBA contacts throughout Los Angeles, I obtained this transcription of the event. It is not known if this project has been funded.

ACT III, SCENE 5

The game is tied at 97 with just seconds remaining on the clock. First to 100 wins. The Monstars have the ball and are bringing up the court.

KRELL, KING OF MONSTARS (and primary ballhandler), shoves KEVIN HART'S CHARACTER into the ground face-first in front of him.

Krell (maniacally laughing)

Aw, hah-haw, hah-haw, haw haw!

Now, to finish what I should have done earlier! LeBron, block this shot, if you can! Don't choke!

LeBron (to himself):

I don't have a choice. If he makes that half-court shot they'll get to 100 first. With Steph Curry's talent, he just might! The Monstars would take over the Earth!

In slow motion, KRELL rises high into the air and takes the shot. LEBRON leaps with him as the shot sails above him. LEBRON dramatically reaches his arm out with cartoonishly absurd stretch-arm CGI. LEBRON barely deflects the shot at its apex and watches it sail out of bounds at the buzzer. It's the start of overtime, and it's anyone's game. LEBRON turns to gloat...

LeBron (close-up on his face as he turns):

LILLLLL KEVVVVVINNNNNNN!!!!!! NOOOOOOOO!

Krell (landing on KEVIN HART'S CHARACTER'S spine with a crunch):

There, it's done. Now this party's really getting started!

LeBron:

You won't get away with this, Krell!

Krell: 

See you in overtime, "Chosen One"! More like CHOKING ONE! Haw haw!

Exit KRELL

Pau Gasol:

Stand back, I was a med. student! I'll help you, Kevin Hart's Character!

Kevin Hart's Character: 

Oh, lord, my back is killin' me! I feel like I been sleepin' under a house! No, heh, even worse! I been sleepin' under Shaq's house! Haha.

KEVIN HART'S CHARACTER coughs BLOOD

Kevin Hart's Character:

What's up, doc? Am I gonna live?

Pau: 

You'll live... But at what cost?

Kevin Hart's Character:

That's what I'm askin', ya ol' Scraggly-Ass Beard mofo!

Pau: 

Kevin, I'm afraid you'll never walk again....

Kevin Hart's Character (a bit sadly): 

That's alright! I got family. I got friends. That's what matters.

Pau:

I wasn't finished. You'll never walk again, because you're not gonna live more than 5 minutes. There's just too much nerve damage. Your heart's failing.

LeBron: 

I know this can't be easy, Kevin. Let's... let's try to enjoy what time we have left.

Kevin Hart's Character:

LeBron, nah, if I'mma die here it's no skin off my back. That Monstar-ass bitch aighty took most of that skin out the game with that landing, anyway, haha! LeBron, right now this isn't about my elf-ass persona. Truth is, there's goods, there's bads, and there's greats. You a great. I'm just a good, and I'm fine dyin' as such. And Krell and the Monstars... 

LeBron (shaking fist):

I'LL KILL THEM!

Kevin Hart's Character (coughing):

LeBron... Krell and the Monsters are bads, of course, but you know what they really are? Deep down? They ain't really really bad so much as they tiny. Deep inside they tiny inside. Look at Tweety. Tweety is a tiny-ass mofo even by my tiny-ass standards. But Tweety is brave as shit, ain't afraid o' no cat or shit. He ain't tiny deep down. That brutal mofo, beat me at pick-up, never forgive that bird... 

KEVIN HART'S CHARACTER smiles and makes LEBRON smile, and after a few seconds winces in pain and coughs.

LeBron: 

Don't talk, Kevin. Just hold on.

Kevin Hart's Character:

Take the big outta them, LeBron. Take their powers back and show them what it's like not to be able to stand up for yourself. They bullies, and bullies are always tiny. Remember that. Bullies make me look like Roy Hibbert. I tower over them and I squash 'em. But you a great, LeBron. You ain't a killer. You ain't-

LeBron:

Kevin, you're gonna be alright.

Kevin Hart's Character:

LeBron, you a good man, but you a terrible liar. And an even worse Decider. You ain't a liar, you ain't a killer. You... you the chosen one, Bron, you the chosen one.

LeBron:
No, no. I'm not. That's always gonna be Jordan. It can't be helped...

Kevin Hart's Character:
LeBron, listen to me. This is your time. And until Krell is down to size and off of Earth, I know you'll keep fighting. Don't you see, LeBron?

LeBron:
See what?

Kevin Hart's Character (fading, looking into the sky):
That having all that fight MAKES you the chosen one. That's all you ever needed. Do it, Bron. Do it for Drake. (Camera pans to DRAKE, who looks entirely indifferent watching the game). Do it for you. Do it for Lola. Do it for me. Use the song...

LeBron: 

Hang in there...

Kevin Hart's Character (smiling serenely and turning his head to look right to LeBron):

Hey, Bron, tell that tweety mofo I'll go double-or-nothin' if he makes his ass through the Pearly Gates. I'm out.

KEVIN dies.

The camera pans (this entire scene is a gigantic tracking shot, by the way, like in "Children of Men") overhead to the luxury boxes, where a close up shows  Tweety pushing a button for the PA. The Space Jam theme song immediately begins to play. 

Krell:

You ready to lose a planet, LeBron? You ready to WITNESS that?

LeBron (with perfect composure, and the hints of fresh tears):

I'm gonna show you what it's like to be great, Krell. You'd better start scouting other planets now.

Everybody get up; it's time to slam now.

We got a real jam goin' down --

Welcome to the Space Jam.

LeBron:

Kevin said to "Use the song". I wonder what he meant...

Krell: 

Well, LeBron. Are you gonna LeChoke Shame this again?

LeBron (in sync with the song):

Hey you, watcha gonna do.

Hey you, watcha gonna do.

Hey you, watcha gonna do.

Hey you, watcha gonna do.

SPACE JAM LEBRON grows to massive proportions. Over the course of the song (an extended, 28-minute prog remix of the title song with Neil Peart and Ian Anderson providing extended solos), LEBRON dominates KRELL AND THE MONSTERS in overtime.

Krell (as the talent deflates from his body, as per the Space Jam agreement, leaving him just an inch tall):

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

LeBron (calmly shrinking back to normal size):

Get outta town.

LEBRON flicks KRELL into space. 

Krell (reaching the outer atmosphere):

I told them we could survive in space. If only LeBron knew we need oxygen, perhaps he would've spared us... But no; we don't deserve the gift of life proffered us by our gods. We have wasted it all; may we die sooner anonymous than infamous. No matter: I got the game I was looking for. The game of the century.

(the sun appears to meet them on the horizon as they start to escape the Earth's velocity)

....Lord, just let me die easy. I ain't been a good man.

KRELL AND THE MONSTARS explode in the vacuum of space.

LeBron (oblivious to their fates):

That oughta do it! Hope they like Pluto! Hope they brought their winter jackets!

Kevin Hart's Character (jumping up, fit as a fiddle):

Tiny folks ain't need jackets, we just need cracks in the sidewalk! Haha!

LeBron:

Kevin, you're alive! But how?

Kevin:

KRELL wanted the match of the century. He told me, with the telepathy. We orchestrated all of that so we'd get your best match. That's all he really wanted, Bron!

LeBron:

So you mean you were faking it?

LEBRON is furious at KEVIN. There ensues a comical chase scene with KEVIN AND LEBRON.

LeBron (smiling):
I'm just kidding, little man. Just glad to have you back.

Kevin:

Haha, I was worried for a second! LeBron, how's about we get your favorite sneakers (he holds a Special Edition Space Jam II Sneaker up to the camera, showing the logo and purchasing information), go to Mickey D's, and forget this sorry-ass shit even happened?

LeBron (winking at the sky): 

I'll never forget you, Krell.

Kevin: 

What'cha say, Bron Bron?

LeBron (starting to run back to space-car): 

I said I'll never forget droppin a triple-double on your ass. First one to the car is Stern's lackey, haha!

Kevin (clearly outmatched):

Man, I ain't keep up with you. You a professional athlete! I ain't even as tall as the median human being! You know that's my whole reason to exist, Bron. Bron? Wait UPP!

In the distance, KEVIN HART'S CHARACTER and LEBRON get into a space-car and "drive" back to the human realm of the Space Jam-NBA-"real world"-human meta-verse. They escape through a portal of concentric circles, which, as they drive through, becomes the familiar outro to Looney Tunes cartoons. The tracking shot continues from about seventy-five meters behind the ship. Porky Pig, in full jersey, appears in the portal once the space-car is through.

Porky Pig (to tracking camera):

That's all, folks!

Anthony Davis (appearing in the portal next to Porky, obviously having rushed to the set):
Wait, do I get to be in the movie?

Porky Pig:
No, you're about t-t-t-two min-t-t-two... Your appearance is belated, I'm afraid. Sorry. That's all, folks!

Fade to black. The soothing sounds of a gospel choir begin as a drum solo from the Space Jam theme music (still playing faintly) slows down artfully to match the choir's tempo.

"I Believe I Can Fly" plays as the credits roll.

~ ~~~ FIN ~~~ ~